Star Trek: The Sitcom
by Super Ultra Sexy Spockfish
Summary: This is the sitcom version of Star Trek! This is a spoof of dumb midday sitcoms! Kirk and Bones are sooo bored that they have NOTHING to do other than annoy Spock. CAN THEY BREAK HIM? STAR TREK: The Sitcom Rated "T" for language and lap dancing
1. Tickle Rape!

Imagine, _just_ imagine, that Star Trek, instead of being written and directed by Hollywood's finest, was actually one of those crappy sitcoms that no one likes that comes on at 2:00 in the afternoon? Ya know, like when you're off school or work or whatever one day and you just flip through the channels and discover with horror that even though it's the WORST SHOW EVER you realize that it's the ONLY THING ON? So you actually WATCH IT?

No, I'm not saying that I think Star Trek is a shitty sitcom, but WHAT IF IT WAS?

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or any of the characters.

**Warning**_**:**_ This isn't supposed to be well written, it's literally supposed to be a script to an episode of a really SHITTY sitcom, so don't leave any reviews saying it's badly written because it's SUPPOSED to be that way! If you think it's stupid, I don't want to hear it. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, PEOPLE. Now on the other hand, if you have some more helpful comments, I'm all ears!

Rated "M" for over use of the word "shitty"

Again, If you aren't into dumb spoofs, you may not like this… anyway…

So here you go, ladies and gentleman, I present to you:

**Star trek: The sitcom**

**Read all notes and warnings before posting reviews, perhaps it will help explain…**

(Insert footie opening song, along with random clips of random moments in random episodes in random order. End with entire cast standing together grinning stupidly at the camera somewhere important, oooh, let's say the bridge)

(Fade into first scene)

One day (like every other day) James Kirk and Leonard McCoy sat alone in sickbay, drinking. (Insert shitty sitcom intro music)

Finally, after sitting in silence for what seemed like an hour, (only a few seconds to our observing audience) Kirk looked up and spoke.

"This is _booooring_." (He says this in a very whiney childish voice)

Bones grumbled a response.

"Yeah… tell me something I don't know" (Insert stupid laugh track)

They mope for a few more moments. Suddenly, an evil grin crossed Kirk's face. (Audience makes an amused noise)

"Hey, wanna go piss off Spock?"

Bones sits up and gives Kirk a stern look. (Cue laugh track again)

They stared at each other for another moment, and then Bones shrugged and returned the smile.

"Meh, what the hell, sounds like fun!" (Laughter becomes uproarious even though this whole thing really isn't that funny)

They both set down their drinks stood up; they exit the sickbay to strategize their attacks

(Scene fades out, a random slideshow of pictures of the outside of the Enterprise is shown along with a cut of the crappy music again)

(Fades into next scene)

Kirk was sprawled out on the floor of his room surrounded by random scraps of paper, Bones sat at Kirk's desk, looking at his own papers, occasionally balling one up and trashing it. (Yes I KNOW they don't actually use paper in Star Trek but it's a shitty sitcom, remember?)

"Hey, how 'bout this one?"

Bones stood up and handed Kirk one of the sheets, Kirk scans it and shakes his head animatedly.

"Nooo, we can't waste all those sponges, we'll run out before the end of our five-year mission!"

(Audience laughs loudly, even though no one really gets the joke…)

Bones goes back to the desk to look at more papers, eventually Kirk stands up to present his own idea. Bones flinches after reading this, he rejects it immediately.

"Vulcans can't get _high;_ even_ if_ he could he'd never eat brownies in the first place…"

(Insert more laughter, it dies down, some weird lady continues to giggle a moment longer)

They both return to their work, eventually Kirk looks up again.

"How do you think Vulcans would respond to _tickling?"_

(Immediate laughter begins, someone gasps hysterically for air)

"Jim, now just think about this for a minute, tickling would be the Vulcan equivalent of rape, I don't think that's a good idea…"

(Really REALLY loud laughter, clapping is heard)

"Still it would be funny to see his reaction…"

(Laughter spikes and dies down)

Bones shakes his head again, and continues to look through the papers. Suddenly, he freezes. He picks up a sheet of paper and just stares at it, and slowly begins to grin.

Kirk looks up at the lack of sound and scrunches his eyebrows.

"What? …Bones _what_?"

Kirk walks over and looks over his shoulder, and starts giggling.

"Oh, heheheh this is PERFECT…"

(They exchange such a look that it makes the audience start to laugh obnoxiously again)

(Scene fades out again, another ship picture montage begins with music, Kirk sat in the bridge, he clicks at buttons on the arm of his chair as the music fades out again)

Spock stepped out of the turbolift, he paused, straightened his uniform, and walked over to Kirk. He handed him a PADD to sign and began to walk over to his post. Then, he stopped and looked back over at the captain.

"Captain, is there something troubling you?"

Kirk held back another grin and shook his head; the tone of his voice gave him away.

"No, there's nothing wrong, I'm just… tired…"

Spock lifted a trademark eyebrow, and called his bluff.

(A few audience members give a quiet chuckle)

"Perhaps I could take the Conn if you feel the need to rest…"

Kirk holds back another laugh and shakes his head again.

"No, no, I'll be fine, you can resume your post…"

Spock furrows his brow in thought and returns to his post. After a few moments, Bones walks in from the turbolift and begins to whisper to Kirk.

"Got everything worked out?"

Kirk looked up at him mischievously.

"Oh yeah, I did."

They both cast an evil look at Spock, who just cocks an eyebrow and returns to work. Bones gave Kirk a pat on the back.

"I'm surprised you could find one on such short notice…"

"Well it just so happens that we picked a few up off of that broken down ship we intercepted, one of them seems to feel she needs to repay her "everlasting gratitude" to me for the rescue, I just called in the favor…"

As if on cue (well, it really was on cue since that's how sitcoms go…) loud beating music began resounding around the bridge, the captain rigged the warning lights to come on so the room was drenched in flashing red. A very flashy green woman slid her leg out of the turbolift and began to dance her way around the different workstations. Kirk was smart enough to schedule all men that shift, they all started laughing and standing up as she twirled by. All except Spock, who was not amused.

Then, she began to shimmy her way over to him (our audience is obviously in hysterics by now if you hadn't figured that out on your own) and he froze. His expression didn't change as she crawled on him and began lap dancing on him. He just leaned away and kept his tone even.

"I respectfully ask that you cease from doing that; you do not belong on the bridge and I find this very unprofessional…"

She kept at it as if she didn't understand English, she slid her hands from his head and down his sides and she just pulled herself closer. (continue laugh track)

"_Please,_ I do not wish to forcibly remove you from the premises…"

Everyone else on the bridge began laughing hysterically, Spock glared at Kirk as he saw him laughing hardest.

Calmly and quietly, Spock slid his hand away from his side and over the science station controls. After a few seconds of tinkering with the computers, the music stopped and the flashing lights ceased. The green women finally took the hint and stood up, glaring at Spock.

"You know, you really are hard to please…"

Then she walked out in a huff, everyone just stared at Spock.

(Now our audience is completely silent to see what he does next… then a more dramatic version of the intro is played to add to the cliffhanger)

**AAAAAND the Image fades out and goes to commercial (Mostly the regular midday commercials; community colleges, cleaning products (Billy Mays…))**

So yeah, there's chapter one. Chapter two will come soon, just flip through a few channels while you wait!

NOTE: I am not dissing Star Trek or any particular sitcom OK? Though this whole thing is meant to be a joke, it seems some people like to find ways of twisting this kind of stuff and making me seem like a bad person, so before any of you trigger happy trekkies come shooting down my door, I just want to say that I mean NO ILL WILL to anyone or anything Star Trek or sitcom related, you should not be insulted because you should NOT take this seriously! OKAAAY? Take your phasers off kill and put them down slowwwly!

AND PLEASE DON'T LEAVE REVIEWS WITH COMMENTS ON SPELLING OR GRAMATICAL ERRORS. If you feel the need to contradict and correct people, go edit Wikipedia and LEAVE ME OUTAA IT!

Note that my ranting is not directed at anyone, don't take it the wrong way, I'm just trying to cover my ass ok? *Pats on the back* Glad we cleared that up!

Also, as for the chapter title, meh, I just thought it sounded funny…


	2. OMG, the captain watches gorn!

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Star Trek or any of the characters, i'd be cool if i did though...**

After like 20 minutes of commercials, the scene finally fades back in after another quick ship slideshow with music)

The silence washed over the bridge. All the officers were still standing and looking at Kirk and Spock, anticipating some kind of epic argument.

Instead, Spock just sat back down and took his post.

Everyone stood around stupidly for a few seconds, eventually, one by one, they returned to their work. Kirk was confused at the anti-climactic-ness of the situation.

He looked at Bones and nodded towards the door, and they hopped onto the turbolift.

(scene fades out with even MORE of that dumb music that makes you want to vomit into the satellite dish, Scene fades back in)

Later, Kirk and Bones sat together in an empty rec-room, speaking in agitated voices. Occasionally one of them would slap the table top, or shrug, or just wave their hands around obnoxiously. Kirk's voice momentarily raised an octave as he spoke to Bones.

"He didn't even look annoyed, he's like a freaking robot!"

"Well, that's what I've been telling you all along, right? Is it such a surprise?"

(the audience gives a light chuckle to be nice, but no one really thinks it's funny, cuz it's NOT)

Kirk throws a hand in the air and rolls his eyes.

"Well he HAS to have some kind of button, we just have to push the right one…"

"I think we need to step it up a notch, he won't just fall for…"

(Their conversation continues, but the camera is now on Spock who stands at the door, listening)

"I don't think he'll fall for any of it, he's just too _boring… _he has no sense of humor…"

Spock nearly walked in and said something about the illogic of humor, but he stood to listen to more.

"What if he fakes _everything_? Do you think he actually considers us friends? Can Vulcans actually _have _friends?"

"Maybe we should just ask, it's not like he has any feelings for us to spare…"

Spock stood there, his lips forming a very thin line on his face. (The audience gives a loud "ooooooohhh…" and goes silent again)

Spock straightened out his shirt, spun around, and walked quietly away.

(Audience: awwwwww…..)

(scene fades out to the bridge again, a sad version of the intro music is played (I know! How do they manage to make one tune express so many feelings? Isn't that weird?))

Kirk finally sits up, he casts a glance over at the helm. It's 12:47 at night, so he makes his tone informal.

"Hey Sulu, has Spock reported to his post recently?"

"No sir, he left right after you and the Doctor earlier, he had to ask you something about our next assignment, and he never came back up!"

Kirk sat for a moment, contemplating this, then his head slumped into the back of his chair as the realization hit him.

"He heard us…"

(Audience gives another sympathetic sigh, scene fades into sickbay)

Kirk stepped into the sickbay; Bones looked up from his desk wit a grin.

"Hey, come to check on it? It's almost ready…"

"Bones…"

"I think we should do it tomorrow, definitely on the bridge again…"

"Bones!"

"How 'bout before lunchtime? That way everyone…"

"BONES!"

The Doctor's head snapped up and looked at Kirk, and his smile faded.

"He heard us."

Bones cocked his head to the side in confusion.

"What?"

"Spock heard us! When we were talking in the rec-room…"

The doctor was confused for another moment, then he remembered…

"oh…"

They both looked away, lost in thought.

"...well, how do you know? Did he say something?"

"He didn't come to his post again, Sulu said he followed us down to ask us something…"

"…crap…"

"Yeah… we have to go talk to him…"

"Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a therapist!"

"No, but we're his friends, we need to say something…"

They both quietly walked out of the sickbay…

(Scene fades out with sad music again, Fades back into the enterprise hallways near Spock's door)

Kirk stepped forward and pushed the buzzer. He waited a moment, then spoke.

"Spock, can you hear me? We need to talk…"

They stood outside for a while longer before Kirk buzzed again.

"Spock, come on, don't be like this…"

They waited again, … no response…

"_Spock_, I'm you captain and your friend, don't make me come in there…"

Kirk and Bones exchanged a look and waited. Kirk moved forward and punched a code into Spock's door and it slid open.

"Spock?..."

They slowly walked in, the room was dark.

"Spock, are you here?..."

Suddenly, the door slid shut behind them, and darkness surrounded them.

"Dammit, Jim, where's the light?"

"Crap! Hang on a minute, I found a lamp!"

Bones could hear Kirk fumble around, then the lights clicked on.

…and a giant green lizard stood in front of them… growling!

"ROAAAAR!"

Both men jumped and screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAG!"

UH OH! A CLIFF HANGER! CUT TO COMMERCIALS!


	3. you got SERVED!

DISCLAIMER: I _still_ don't own Star Trek… sorry!

(Show comes back on, for some reason it shows what happened 10 seconds before commercials came on…)

"Spock?..."

They slowly walked in, the room was dark.

"Spock, are you here?..."

Suddenly, the door slid shut behind them, and darkness surrounded them.

"Dammit, Jim, where's the light?"

"Crap! Hang on a minute, I found a lamp!"

Bones could hear Kirk fumble around, then the lights clicked on.

…and a giant green lizard stood in front of them… growling!

"ROAAAAR!"

Both men jumped and screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAG!"

Out of sheer terror, Kirk and Bones started squealing like little girls and hopping around like their pants were on fire. Eventually they pressed themselves against the sliding door, praying it would open so they could escape. Their screaming ebbed when they heard a familiar voice.

"It would be especially helpful if your vocalizing would cease, if you recall, Vulcan ears are drastically more sensitive that that of humans…"

They stared as Spock walked out of his bathroom and stood next to the Gorn. (If you don't know what a "Gorn" is, google it.) He nodded at the Gorn and spoke in a completely serious voice.

"Perhaps we should continue this conversation at a later date, it appears as if the captain requires my assistance with something…"

The Gorn just blinked and made a sound that would normally be accompanied by a shrug, and left.

(The audience starts laughing uncertainly, still confused…)

"Is there a problem, gentleman?"

Kirk and Bones exchanged looks, and Kirk spoke.

"Um yeah, you didn't report to your post, so… we got worried…"

Spock raised an eyebrow, and kept shifting his gaze between the two men.

"I apologize captain, I was having a very fascinating conversation with the gentleman who just left, since I had never encountered a being such as himself I felt it logical to study his race…"

It was Kirk and Bones' turn to raise eyebrows. Bones tried to disguise his voice to that of unconcern, but he sorta failed…

"Um… so… when did you run into him?"

"When my shift ended after that unfortunate event on the bridge the other day, I went down to our visitor's quarters to explain the proper behavior requirements on this ship when I met him in the hallway leaving from dinner. Since then we have been informing the other about the culture of our races; he had never met a Vulcan before, so it was an intriguing experience for the both of us…"

By this point, Kirk and Bones start relaxing. It's obvious that they assume Spock was telling the truth, so they were off the hook, right?

"Perhaps we should all return to the bridge now…?"

Kirk snapped out of his trance, and nodded.

"Yeah, I mean, yes, we should, I guess…"

(Scene fades again, Music/photo montage introduces next scene on the bridge.)

Kirk led Spock and Bones onto the bridge, but he stopped short. Everyone, everyone, was staring at them, Spock passed them and stood at the side. Kirk heard a few snickers, and he caught Sulu hiding a grin.

"Mr. Sulu, may I ask what it is you find so funny?"

Sulu held back another laugh, spun to face the helm, and fiddled with the controls. A security video popped up on the screen that made Kirk and Bones go white.

The video of them showed them hopping around and screaming like little girls.

(It sounds like the audience is falling out of their seats by this point)

The bridge was mostly silent when the video ended, except for a few more giggles.

"If I were human, I believe the correct phrase I would use would be "You just got served, bitch!"

(Our laugh track audience laughs, cheers, and claps their hands)

Spock's face was completely serious, but Kirk thought he could see a glint of laughter in his first officer's eyes. Bones just growled.

"Why you green-blooded, pointy eared son of a…"

And then the bridge erupted into uproarious laughter, and Bones comment was drowned out.

(The laugh track joins them, The scene fades to the credits where the STUPID sond starts playing again)

Commercial

….

Commercial.

….

Commercial!

…..

_Commercial…._

…_._

(A new scene fades in, Spock, Bones, and Kirk sit around alone in the rec-room, credits continue to occasionally flash)

"So…_ everyone_ was in on it?"

Spock nodded.

"Indeed they were. It appears there are several people more than happy to help, Mr. Sulu was especially ecstatic about the situation…"

Kirk chuckles. He leans over and whispers to Bones.

"_Be sure to put Sulu on our list too…" _

They all sat in silence. Suddenly, Kirk jumps over, runs at Spock, and starts _tickling_ him!

…

…

…

…

And to Bone's disbelief, Spock starts laughing hysterically and writhing in his seat!

(The scene fades to darkness with our audience laughing and clapping, ending music plays.)

THE END!

I hope you guys enjoyed my little random story, I kinda did the last two chapters quick because I was off today so I didn't have anything better to do, soooo… yeah! Cool, right?


End file.
